She loves me, she loves me not.

Will all my posts be about my kid? Probably. Once you’ve gone and had yourself a baby, you must stay attached to that baby at all times. ‘Specially if you’re the Bearer of Boobs. Because of this, all I think about is: baby. All I dream about is: baby. Even when I am doing other things, or she is asleep, or someone else is hanging out with her, my brain says: baby. I used to write and draw and drink. No more!

Anywho, today’s title is about the curious nature of love. So much emphasis is placed on romantic love, when it’s clear to me now that true love is not really found between two adults. This does not mean I’m not in love with my husband, but our real love is based on deeper things than that. True, unbending love is found in your family. I will be calling attention to that and emphasizing it every day for my daughter. I figure that basic understanding will leave her less devastated as she plows the romantic field later on. I know my parents love me, of course. But I think there could have been more focus on that feeling while I was growing up. It might have made me less of a headcase when it came to relationships and my connection to the two of them.

But I can understand now, more than ever, what it is like to be them. To think that sometimes, your kid doesn’t even like you let alone love you. My child is little more than a creature at this point and, while she derives some pleasure from social interaction, her needs are basic. These first few months are shockingly when you have to teach your kid about trust. I meet her needs immediately. I know when she will wake up (99% of the time) and am there before she even opens her eyes. She smiles at me then, and we move ahead with whatever I think we should do. When she is upset, I console her. But sometimes my consolation doesn’t seem like much of a consolation at all; her piercing shrieks growing louder at my attempts. It seems like she is screaming at me to go away. Truly, I have learned the pain that is individuality and growth. You are born the way you are, and something within you seeks connection with others. But you are growing at an incredible rate, and so you’re grumpy all the time. When I think about this, I feel I haven’t changed one bit since my infancy. I am the way that I am, but I still search for some common ground with others (rarely finding it). I learn and think and feel and am disappointed every day. Because connection usually means collusion these days.

I’m going to tell Rowan about these things, and tell her that it will probably be the same for her. Knowing that from the beginning would have saved me a hell of a lot of upset. It’s more than a ‘just because’ answer. It’s a reassurance on my part that I understand her and what she is going through. I just have to figure out how to articulate it properly.


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