Litter for Hire

Sadly for my writing, I find myself less enraged, irked, annoyed or otherwise perturbed these days. It’s because I have taken on the overwhelmingly immense task of taking procreation ‘to term’ and positive energy is a good idea for things directly dependent on you for life. A regular woman would probably make an “I guess my husband helped too” joke here, but that would be a mistake, as my particular partner is out west killing himself for our benefit. Either way, we’re both suffering for a good reason. I believe that because my hormones tell me to, thus preventing me from eating my young.

Pregnancy is a rite of passage meant to wear you into the ground. It reconstructs the body, the relationship, the mind by carefully torturing each in new and fascinating ways. You and your other half surely never thought you would find yourselves here, just taking it. At the end, you have a new job for the rest of your life and I imagine it’s then you realize why the growing process is so agonizing: because it’s a growth spurt. One of your very last.

Anyway, nevermind my pregnancy right now. I’m here to talk about the horror show that is the Gosselin family. I’ve never watched their show, nor was I even aware of them as recognizable people, other than the female popped out a litter of six. They went for fertility ‘therapy’ and the resulting masses that piled out of her womb were put to work in a reality show called, ‘Jon and Kate, Plus Eight’ which airs on TLC. You know what else airs on TLC? Surgery. It is also a bloody mess that some people just can’t turn away from.

Since I’m knocked up now, I get to have an opinion on this fertility therapy craze. I like to read a lot of period identifiable fiction where things like not being able to get pregnant was called ‘barren’, and you likely lived out the rest of your marriage in misery — but without eight children! These people already had two daughters and yet, still sought out fertility options? In China, where you only get one baby (the emotional consequence of which leads to terrifying actions, and makes overpopulation sound worse than peak water), this show must bewilder them. It sure confuses the f*** out of me. Why would anyone who has a child already be allowed to seek this option? YOU ALREADY GOT ONE.

Sexagenarians are deciding to have babies now, the latest being a 66 year old in England. There should be a sign on the clinic door: “If you are over 45, you have missed this boat!” This level of biological tampering is unnecessary, and revolting. It indicates that our self-involved, over-indulged, over-stimulated society has finally puffed up our ‘me first, me too’ attitudes to the point where we’re certain we deserve to overturn nature. What does it know, anyway?

Most fertility problems stem from being flooded with chemicals (see: The Disappearing Male, CBC Doc Zone site), being malnourished because our current ideal of beauty is 15 lbs. underweight or binging on fried foods, nicotine and alcohol. All are the responsibility of the patient! Anyway, this Gosselin woman, who is a neat freak perfectionist ” feels society has a responsibility to help with the children, since modern medicine promotes the use of fertility drugs, which can lead to multiple births.” Oh no she didn’t. The statement itself should be exhibit A in the case to abolish fertility treatments until we get our act together.

That sentiment is so enraging to me, I don’t even see the need to explain why. They did this when Jon was unemployed. With each treatment priced at around $25k, the decision was clearly an investment. She whores out these kids, tacks her husband’s testicles to their marital door and she wants the public to believe she didn’t plan it that way? Poor Octomom. She is not nearly as crazy as Kate Gosselin — the mother who engineered her pregnancy to lead the way to fame and fortune.

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