Take two aspirin, shove them in every orifice in your body, and call me in the morning.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Get five servings of fruit and vegetables every day. Go outside and walk your fat ass around. Drink 8 glasses of water and stay away from trans fat altogether. Right?

Nah, there’s a new study that says drinking 8 glasses of water a day is complete bunk and has no actual benefits. Another one claims that a healthy source of trans fat will reduce your risk of diabetes, cancer and obesity, you fat bastard. Lard is also entertaining a comeback now that those trans fats are ‘healthy’. But how can we trust this information? Most people, like me, will read it in a disassociative paragraph statement on the news channel. We know not where this study has been conducted, or by whom or even why. But they, like me, will probably do what I did and immediately reach out to their peers (though, I do it here, in the dark) and share the information.

I think it’s outrageous that there is study on that glass of water bullshit still. Drink your water folks, and your pee won’t be saffron and smell like ureic acid. I don’t care what that study says, it still brightens your complexion and washes out your kidneys. I think this new ‘study’ is a viral marketing ploy to subtly start preparing us for the day where our water is no longer drinkable. Therefore, if it’s not good for us anymore, we won’t miss it. As for the trans fats thing, we are wildly unaware of how our bodies really work and I’m willing to bet that a person’s system is as custom made as their fingerprint or brainwave or DNA coil.

I want to hear what’s going on in the progress of, oh, say, AIDS or flesh-eating diseases. Let’s get to the fucking core of it here, doctors. Let’s find out what is really causing these things. And even if you’ve been told not to tell so that what makes the average Viagara buyer’s cock softer than sugar cookie dough left out too long can still be pumped into them, I’m telling you, it’ll be worth the hired hit death coming your way while you sleep.

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One comment

  1. i am also sick of hearing about how much water to drink. i think “they’ve” determined that 8-glasses-a-day is bunk since we get water from other sources, like watery food, and other drinks (coffee, milk, BOOZE). did you know girl guide cookies have trans fats? (i saw that on the news this week.) i don’t care—i am still going to eat them. 🙂


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